Thursday, April 10, 2014

At What Point Do You Relax After The Turmoil?

"Let's make a fire and sit outside" my daughter says.  The fire from this afternoon is embers and DD puts some cherry wood on top. We pull up some chairs and just talk. "It's good to relax, get out of the house."  It has been a very long winter. There was just so much to do, so much tension, much of it fueled in my life by that unsettling feeling of unfinished business.

You can't always finish what you start. And if you have a "never say die" personality it is very hard to get closure. However, that aspect of my personality did not come into bloom until well after adoption. It took achievement and confidence to grow. I never knew that "never say die" person lived inside of me, was me until I reached my potential as an adult. "Failure is not an option"..........sometimes it is.

I bought some flowers last week because they made me happy. I planted some in the front yard and was pleased that DH made a border for them and mulched them. They looked pretty. As the fire grows DD and I look in the distance and view the fog that is coming up from the ground and making it's way up the trees in the dusk.  It's pretty as well.

We are just two ladies relaxing by the fire. I will never know another person as intimately as I know my daughter, and no person could ever know me so completely. I think I won the lottery of life in that regard. When she asked me "Can you?" and I said "yes" there was no need for more words. I knew exactly what she wanted and she sat back with the little dog and closed her eyes....

I failed. That's just a fact, and it is interwoven now into the person I am. Failure did not crash the world I lived in, my refusal to accept it did. That refusal was fuel to the fire of my anxiety. I am loved in this world and it is relaxing by the fire. But DH is probaly getting lonely inside the house.  I ask DD "Do you want to go in now?' and she says yes. I tell her go on ahead, I will put out the fire.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

I Want To Fight- Kind Of

My biggest problem is that I stopped caring about many things and embarked on the road of least resistance.  Professionally, socially, and in many other areas I just don't give a shit. You have read my angry blog posts and as my inner feelings go I am unrepentant. But for my real life I just go with the flow for the most part and write angry blog posts. The only joy I feel is when I am with my family.

I woke up today like every other day and decided I needed to act about  some of my problems that I have been ignoring. I spent a great deal of time thinking about acting on them as I would prefer to ignore them. I have ignored them because dealing with them means dealing with  people to accomplish my goals.  People have a long history of letting me down. Except for my family. The ones I call family. They have never let me down.

And today feels like a bad dream. Because as expected people are letting me down. They are not hearing what I am saying. I found the old me, the scrapper emerge and already I regret it. I had to talk over somebody who repeated something I already told them was not factual. Why do people think repeating something wrong makes it right? I spent a long time cultivating this relationship and I feel I have damaged it by not being a "good girl." I am reminded that "You are a beautiful girl...." No, I am not. I am a woman. I am soon to be a grandmother. I am not a beautiful girl because to be a beautiful girl I have to be a girl. I don't want to be a girl anymore. Agreements were made and then broken. A woman holds the person breaking the agreement accountable. And she suffers when she is led to believe that her asking for what she agreed to is being a difficult person.

I am waiting for a phone call. I don't want to fight. Already I know that. But the person I used to be keeps telling me to fight. So I kind of want to fight. I want to make things right and it seems the only way to do that is to not accept bullshit.

However the people in charge are the ones giving me the bullshit. I am stealing myself to remain calm and to try to convince rather than dictate. And the part of me that wants to fight wants to happily give in to the other part of me that just wants to give in. I don't want to be difficult and I don't want to piss people off. That type of mind set is what makes me settle for less than I deserve and the scrapper in me is screaming "No, No, No!"

It just seems impossible sometimes.

Update: I just got the call I have been waiting for. Seems my torture will be prolonged for another few days BUT I was reassured that what I knew was factual is actually believed to be fact by the other party I was concerned about. Will the other party let me down in a few days? Most likely. But at least if they do it will be less surreal than to believe that somehow I dreamed all of this and woke up today to an alternate reality.

And if either of these two tell me again "You are a beautiful girl" I may just respond with "Fuck off!" and ask "How do you like me now?" I will of course regret that, suffer from that and cry in my pillow. Or maybe, just maybe find another way through this.......


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Do You Ever Forget?

I find myself forgetting. The more time goes on the more I forget details about my relinquished daughter. I have entered the fog again. I think I like it here because it used to hurt all the time and it doesn't anymore. I am not trying to be disloyal or trying to forget her. She was here, a living breathing person in my life then she was gone. The longer she was gone the more she seemed like a ghost in my life. Perhaps that is all we will ever be to each other, ghosts of the past. The first day I met her in reunion seemed vivid. But the vivid memories are now all of my raised daughter. I remember how she grabbed my hand and held it. I remember she wore eyeliner and the sun lit on her hair. I remember she swatted a bug. I remember how beautiful her eyes looked when she searched mine to see how I was doing. Perhaps my brain chooses only to remember these things now. The rest gets foggy....

I think the only thing I want now is that my relinquished daughter does not feel my being alive is a source of pain for her as it is for her adoptive parents. I hope it helped her to know where she got many of her traits. She was always admonished for her loud voice, but she knows now that her father has the same loud voice. She was never trying to annoy people, she was just made that way. She will also know where she gets her all or nothing way of thinking when it comes to love and loyalty. I have never been a lukewarm person in this regard and I suspect neither is she. I also suspect she has the trait to see what is good in her life as she gets older and focus on these things.

Speaking of good things. I just received news I will be a Grandma! Already I am planning on buying tons of things for the new baby. "Slow down" my son laughed...........

My DD is out of town and she won't find out until tomorrow because I have to present the news to her the same way it was presented to me. My son and DIL made it so fun. DD will be overjoyed like we are. I just can't wait to tell her!

I think I am going to be okay. I think I survived this.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

Some Face A Life Sentence in Adoption- Some Face Five Years in Prison

Mary Mooney. She has written some interesting opinions on adoption and provides her adoption services to those hoping to adopt and those hoping to relinquish for a better life for their children. She once wrote "I get tons of emails on a weekly basis to my website about unethical adoption professionals. I knew of this case before it hit the papers and I can tell you the adoption workers involved have ripped off more than these 2 couples. This is just one of many that could be news. I could give the news media enough adoption horror stories to keep them printing at least one story every day! Families losing their life savings, families adopting a child that is said to be ‘healthy' that ends up in a mental hospital. Families desperate to find other homes for children they cannot parent, families that travel thousands of miles to other countries to pick up a child only to arrive to find no child waiting for them. There is NO federal regulation for adoption in the US. There is no consumer protection.

People like this must be stopped. I don't blame the birth mother or the adoptive families. I blame the greedy adoption professionals that drive this business to the moneymaking business it has become. Adoption is a business!"

In 2009 a woman writes about how she disrupted the adoption of her five year old adopted son.
Mary Mooney comments on this story: "It is a parent that loves their child enough to give them away to someone that can parent that child. Just as in domestic adoption the Birth Parent that gives their child up for adoption does it because they know it is what is best for that child. Thanks for the wonderful story.- Mary Mooney"

                                                                 Enter Karma

2014- Four Employees of Adoption Services Provider Charged with Conspiracy to Defraud the United States in Connection with Ethiopia Operations.
The company’s executive director, Mary Mooney, 53, of Belmont, N.C., was apprehended in Belize by Belizean authorities and transported to the United States.

I do agree with one thing she has said. " I could give the news media enough adoption horror stories to keep them printing at least one story every day!"  I bet you can Mary.

Monday, February 10, 2014

How Does It Feel- Living That Life?

I have made mistakes and those mistakes have hurt my children. I remember them, and when something triggers that memory it still hurts. It is a pain in my heart. I have apologized for my mistakes but that didn't change the damage.

I know how my children feel about my mistakes and that includes adoption. My son told me "I was so angry......" It hurts. But life is still good. Life is still sweet intermixed with some sadness. Bitterness between me and my children.......there is none. I don't think open discussions regarding feelings and failings is the environment in which resentment grows. It is the soil in which life lessons are grown, and the chance to not make the same mistakes your parents did. Some children when grown will go on to make the same mistakes to try to resolve the resentment they have regarding their parents. They hope in their lifetime to achieve a different outcome and therefore resolution. If you choose to take the low road, to not acknowledge your parental mistakes and not hear how that affected your children then you will set them up for failure. I wonder how that feels?

There are many people who set their children up for failure. Birthparents who will not acknowledge their relinquished child or will not tell them the truth. Adoptive parents who won't acknowledge their part in separating a child from their family, or setting road blocks to keep them from having a relationship with their natural family. To these people I ask you - How does it feel living that life?

How does it feel when your child is deep in thought and you are afraid to ask "What are you thinking?" How does it feel to ask it anyways and hope to hear "Nothing, everything is fine?" or anything else but what you are afraid they might be thinking?

How does it feel to live that lie of a life?

I think the biggest reunion "mistake" people will say I made was telling the truth and not accepting lies. Go slow, tread lightly and wait for everyone to be willing to accept the truth seems to be the common thought. And reunion didn't work. But why would I want to be anyone other than myself in reunion, or why would my family? The truth is the truth. Here is what happened, and what is happening. My relinquished daughter may have been very conflicted to live with people who only wanted to live the lie, while her natural family would only accept the truth. Reunion failed because it perhaps was meant to fail. There were two very different worlds for my reliquished daughter and I to choose to live in. In reality we both chose but chose differently. I have no anger there for choices made by either of us.  I would rather be rejected on who I am than accepted for who I am not. I think I was not what she was hoping for. That is the reality of the situation and when I step back and look at it I am proud that she made a choice and hope that it is a choice she made herself. She had so little if any choices before then.

When I am with my family I am not afraid of long pauses in conversations, or far away looks. I am not afraid of the truth. I am not afraid of my life.

So what is a life?  It can be a life with mistakes because all of our lives are filled with them, some big, some small, some catastrophic. But healing does take place and a new life emerges. It can be a life without fear. But for those who live a lie of a life, I think they get what they deserve because it is a life they accept. I wonder how that feels........

As for me I find that healing comes with two steps forward, and one step back. The more times goes by without any true and sincere contact by my relinquished daughter and her hateful adoptors the more I realize that I am very proud of who I am today and my relationships with my family and loved ones. We have overcome so much, but for a time I was transported into a life in which my past mistakes, failings, misplaced trust, crushing loss and humiliation was fresh and new again. Now every step I take I find the ground is more solid, the landscape more familiar.

I believe there will be a time that my relinquished daughter makes contact again. And if she does I want to be the person I am and not the person I was back then when I respond. I don't want to cause anymore hurt, we have all been hurt enough. I choose not to think about what I will say or do because life is not about rehearsal. I will be who I am on that day, as will she. And if it never happens then that will be how it is. Life is not on hold for the someday. It really never was.

Two days ago somebody asked me where I hoped to be in the next year. I told them I couldn't see that far and chose to live my life day to day. I was surprised to hear people voice approval at what I had said. I mean I still keep with my financial plan and educational plan  because that is how I live my daily life. But for where I will be......who knows? Today is too important to worry about tomorrow.


Monday, February 3, 2014

Stopped Myself

Last month I was going to rant about sleazy adoptors and their sleazy lawyers but stopped myself. Unfortunately the title of the post was submitted in error. What set me off was two things. Adoptor making contact, then later reading about a tragic adoption story. The story goes that an adoptor who had adopted two babies when they were only days old then later had two bio kids. A few years later she decided she didn't want her adopted kids anymore and only had warm fuzzies and feelings of motherly love for her bio kids. She also diagnosed her adopted kids with mild RAD and wondered how long she could hold out with these kids ruining her life. It was painful to read. It was sleazy as is all adoption that is unnecessary. I had a long rant just waiting to be written.

I let that anger pulse through me then I let it leave. Because I didn't want to carry it. I realize that there are sleazy people everywhere in life. Adoption is full of them just like business is. When adoption is a business it is expected that people will sell a product and some buyers will have buyer's remorse. When children are looked at as products to be sold or traded then how can we expect anything different? Adoption is business disguised and cloaked in morality when the truth is that it is an amoral industry. Adoption is to families what private equity firms are to companies. 

The world accepts unnecessary adoption. My tiny voice will not stop the damage that has been done. I can only hope my posts touch someone who is considering adoption as a loving option. Unnecessary adoption is not a loving option it is a business. People get paid by creating debt for mother and child. The debt is confusion, disconnection and pain. I am not saying that mother, child or family will not have a good life after adoption. But they pay. Some will become emotionally bankrupt. The world accepts it and I can't get all bent out of shape when I see the damage. I have lived the damage, I don't need to re-live it again and again when I see it happen to other people. So I let it go and now write about it from a calm state of mind.

I also must admit that I choose to believe that the adoptor did not mean to make contact last month. I am believing that her social media sites had glitches that sent out information that she did not intend. It does bother me that she has our email addresses but we live in that type of world where you can pay $40 bucks and get all sorts of private information on people. I wouldn't pay to have that information on her. I like her back in the shadows of my life and plan to keep her there. Hopefully she has seen her error and corrected it. If not we will continue to ignore.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Adoptor Trying To Get Attention

I was seriously thinking of ending my blog yesterday because I thought I had said all I needed to say and worked out most of my issues. Then I gained a new member and thought "Well maybe the blog still has purpose".

Today is a new day and it was great. I took some nature photos to turn into canvas pictures while DH and I went on a two mile walk in the snow. It was beautiful and peaceful. We had the traditional family New Year's dinner. Honestly- I don't know when I have felt better. My life has had sadness and it has joy. I prefer to focus on the joy now and let the bitterness fade away.

Adoptor tried to make contact with the family today. Not in a good or a sincere way. I believe there is a certain pathology to narcissists. I have seen it before when a narcissitic adoptor (not to be confused with loving, non-coercive adoptive parent) finds the attention of being an adoptive parent slip away. Sometimes these narcissists then seek out the birthmother or family to try to enjoy that feeling of power and importance. A way to basically relive the joy of their accomplishment, a trophy of sorts.

My first knee jerk reaction was "What the Hell?" The logic is not there. Then I realized that logic does not go hand in hand with crazy. And the adoptor is crazy. No doubt at all. I think in her life she is not getting the attention she seeks. Perhaps she believes she can somehow go back to a time she felt important and powerful. Even if that came at the expense of seperating a loving family and child. If that is what she goes back to feel relevant, to feel special it is beyond sad.

So adoptor you did get my attention for about 15 minutes. Long enough to process it and write it in my blog.

I would like to move on to some of the pictures I took on my walk today. I love my new house and love the scenerery. Even winter here is beautiful. For my blog readers I hope you had a good holiday and hope you enjoy the pics.