Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Baby Girl with her Mother

I am not sure if I am leaving this blog. It has been wonderful to express my feelings for bad or for good and to see that it has helped some visitors.  If I have helped you in any way I am truly grateful. For this blog has helped me in so many ways.

Today a baby girl was born. This baby girl was to be adopted. As lame as I am, I have influenced my daughter to keep the faith. That adoption is wrong unless all other options have been exhausted. She took the baton and ran with it. She fought the family of this young, pregnant mother to see how awful unnecessary adoption was. First she worked on the oldest sister, her friend. When she got her support, she then worked on the soon to be grandmother. A baby shower was given.....

She won. Mom won. Baby won. Mom got the support she needed because our family can never let this happen to another on our watch without protest, education and support. At first there was so much resistance. They wanted the baby to have it all. But my daughter fought to educate them that adoption does not give it all. It gives less when it is not truly needed. It is in fact a rapist to the child who yearns for her mother, when the mother can parent her. This baby does not care that her mother is young, unmarried and in college. She loves her mommy anyways.

Because of my experience, and the help of my family we have helped stop two unnecessary adoptions. Can I just leave all this adoption stuff behind? I want to. I really do.

Can I just pull up adoption pain when needed? When I see an expectant mom be coerced to believe she is not good enough to raise her child? I don't know. I have avoided anything adoption related since my last post. I have deleted all adoption links, and all pictures and messages from my relinquished daughter. I just want to leave it behind.

Today I will have Bubby over. He was to be adopted...... but was not. I look forward to his hugs and kisses. I think we will go to the toy store today. It is a special day. And I will make him chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese. Because he likes this.

Can I separate myself as a birthmom but still work towards the better good? Can I leave my daughter and her ambiguous relationship with me behind, yet still enter the cold waters of unnecessary adoption?

I hope I can. I hope that each of us, in our own separate worlds can do what we can to help family preservation. I see parallel lives, not intersecting, but still on the same paths one day. I hope she will fight adoption with her experiences and tools, while I will fight it with mine.

But I am not confident at all. The new birth has energized me for sure. But eventually, I think I will want to return to my old life. In fact it took a lot to come here today.

And if I am caught adoption blogging today I think I will be forgiven. It is after all a special day........

And there is something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. I have the open adoption contract and letters from my relinquished daughter's aparents that I keep in a folder under my mattress. I have been wanting to burn them for a long time. I have kept them as proof of coercion and lies to my relinquished daughter. Hoping one day I would give them to her.

I know if I burn them then that is the end. Because it truly means that the past is behind me. When I burn them there is no proof. But who needs proof when there is no relationship? What is there to gain by proving you are right?

It will be my birthday soon. I plan to burn them on that day. It will be an end to the past, to holding on to the lies, the betrayal, the ambiguity that has been my life since reunion. I wonder what will rise from those ashes. A new me? A new life? I look forward to ending all of this, yet am unsure if it is the right decision. Today is proof that my pain has resulted in alleviating pain for others. But I am no saviour, no martyr. I am just a woman who stands barely over 5 feet tall, and is looking towards a future that does not involve pain. In fact I am looking towards a future that gives me joy or at the very least comfort.

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